What I want to be doing:

  • Watching more West Wing
  • Composing a blog post about what I’ve been learning from West Wing
  • Read all the recent posts from new followers and maybe follow back
  • Read one of my many concurrent books on my list
  • Write just for me
  • Write just for you
  • Text a boy
  • See my family
  • Go buy new sneakers
  • Continue planning my trip, part 1
  • Go get my mail
  • Go for a walk
  • Take random and absurd pictures

What I should be doing:

  • Homework and reading
  • Getting to bed before 1am

What I am doing:

  • Well, you’re reading it!

Now that that’s off my chest, I guess I should actually get to work.

<sigh>

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I’m still having trouble processing. I’m so angry. I skipped hurt, skipped crying, all of it. He came, knocked on the door. Gave me back a pair of socks, and the parking pass for my building. Commented that the new couch looked nice.

“Well, I wanted to clarify a few things.”

“There’s nothing left to clarify.”

“Well, there is, for me.”

He told me I was looking for answers where there were none, nothing more to say. It was totally useless. Besides confirming what I figured I knew. That he’s incapable of putting anyone else first, of communicating. Just kept saying we weren’t working out anyway. Said I was always second-guessing him. I asked about the government comment, he said it was mostly about the area. I pointed out he knew, from day one, where I wanted to be, why’d you string me along for 2 years? He sighed like I was getting this all wrong (but of course, wouldn’t actually give me anything else to go on), said he didn’t want to stay in the area. That I was trying to blame him (but..wouldn’t tell me exactly what I was doing wrong, at least that I could learn for next time) or find a reason, or be pissed at him (obviously? because I so love being pissed at exes)?  That he liked it down in NC (oh, if you don’t remember, that’s the other time we very nearly broke up). I asked him why he didn’t bring that up at all, that maybe I’d consider moving, and he just repeated we weren’t working out (but he likes spending time with me, which I wish I could count as a win). Which got us onto what I’d previously pointed out, that he made the choice not to spend time with me, this whole “stronger” BS. He was so agitated.

I said, so because you don’t like the government, you won’t support me. He said it was more to do with the area, he doesn’t want to live here. I said, so, because of that, you basically won’t support my dreams even though I would support any of yours. He said, yeah, I guess. It actually still took me aback. “Wow,” I said. “You’re a real jerk.”

Since this was getting nowhere except getting me more angry – he barely had any comment on the using thing – I gave him his box of stuff and opened the door. He got really annoyed then, asking what I was giving back. He said he couldn’t possibly have this much stuff here. I shrugged, told him there was a note.

“No, tell me what’s in here.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s yours. Nothing matters.”

Bye.

I was actually a little surprised he didn’t open it in the hallway and come back all angry. This is what I wrote in the note, over a week ago. So less anger, more hurt:

The things I want to give back to you, you may not accept. I included my two outfits, one I used at the Renaissance Festival and on Halloween, and the other is the Revolutionary War era one I was going to wear to the Mid Winter Ball. The one you all so wonderfully chipped in on. But I can’t bear to look at them now. Knowing what they were meant for, that I could only use them with you. They are so related. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. The one of us at the festival, the one Gary posted, that became my favorite of us. I printed one and taped it to my desk. I had to take it down, shove it in some drawer. I can’t bear it, I can’t.

Another item is the marble rolling pin you bought me for Christmas. I know you meant it, but I can never use it now. It’s too hard, too much of a reminder. A reminder of you. And right now I can’t take it I can’t. I can’t. I cant. Were you already thinking of breaking up with me then?

Also in there is the spray can you gave me a long time ago, and the down wash, and the mug I bought you, the one you left here so you could have tea in your very own mug. I never drank out of it. Besides, you can always use more mugs. Some DVDs “we” had. The down wash, since you’ll use it more than me. Also your ice cream bowl; that really is yours. Or, I guess I would have. I guess you took it already, I didn’t notice. Now I wonder when. Did you take it the night you left me, or the week before? Was it a warning, should I have noticed? God.

All of you saying, “I told you so,” stop. It’s true, I now have nothing else. Nothing solved, nothing answered. But I know that now. And so now, I can start working past the anger. It will take time. At this point it feels as though the anger has dissipated the hurt. We’ll see.

Look. I’ve been getting a lot of people telling me I shouldn’t see him again, asking why I even want to. What will it change, what will it matter. And to be honest I’m fed up with it. All I’ve gotten is discouragement, minus 1-2 wonderful friends. And, look, I know you all mean well. Seeing someone hurting and not being able to do anything about it – it hurts, too. I know. I’ve been there, too. But I’ve had my mind made up for awhile now, and to have so many people respond so negatively, to see a sudden lack of support – that also hurts.

I need some more answers. I need reasons, not excuses. And I think some of the “reasons” I got for the breakup are excuses. And maybe the only thing I get from this is a confirmation of that. I’m not an idiot – I’m well aware how much it will hurt. That I’ll probably cry just like I did when he broke up with me. I know. But I also might get some closure out of it. And I’m doing it. End of story. Will it change the outcome? No, and I don’t want it to. I don’t want him back. But it will matter. It matters to me. So please, just let it. Let it matter to me. I’ve had enough of you breathing down my back about it to rethink it and rethink it and rethink it. The decision is still yes. And you know what, he’s kind enough to do it. I was kind enough to do it for my last ex. And after this, I will be done. If I get real answers, I do. If not, I don’t. But then I know, and then I’m done. Yes, this has hit me really hard. But I know I’m strong. I wouldn’t still be here if I wasn’t. I wouldn’t be going to work everyday, making plans to see friends, joining Meetup groups, going to writers’ clubs. But I need this, just as much as I need time to get through the healing process. This is part of my healing process, for this relationship, for him.

Please trust me.

My boyfriend is moving to North Carolina. At least, it feels 99% certain. Not that I’d really know, he’s barely communicated with me about it. It’s only 9 hours away but I can’t be bothered to be kept informed. I am so frustrated, hurt, angry. It’s not even the job – he hasn’t had any other offers so this would make the most sense. He liked the position and the area (I think?). I’d be happy for him, too. He also has not heard back from other organizations, so I recommended that he call them and say “I have this offer, I need to know what your decision is.” Right? Isn’t that standard? To which his only response was, “No, I haven’t called. That doesn’t matter. They don’t give a shit about me.”

Well if they’re still having trouble making up their mind, they must care a little.

Let me break down the timeline:
He IMed me on Thursday, saying “oh, wow. I just got a call for an interview in North Carolina.” For one – please call me with something like that. It is a big deal. For another, that was pretty much all I got. No description, no interest level, nothing. So, he drives down Sunday night, stays over, interviews at 11am, does not call me all day (yeah, I’m more than a little curious), and when I finally call him at 9 at night, he tells me a bit about it, how then they had car trouble so they’re just sitting down to eat….

Fine. Later. I figured he’d head back up the next day, as that’s what he’d talked about. So, I called him from my place midday, since I managed to work at home, and suggested he swing by for dinner on his way up, since I wouldn’t be at the office. That conversation also did not go well – he was still in NC, working on some papers (because he finally had Internet? Which he doesn’t have at home?). So…no go. Nothing else all day. Not a peep. Finally late this afternoon I got another IM: migraine, still in NC, gonna go sleep. I was in a meeting so didn’t even see it until after he signed off. Well, by now it’s Wednesday, over 2 days since the interview and he has not told me whether he’s accepted or not. Whether he’s moving his whole life down there. So I called when I got home, woke him up (oops) and didn’t get a whole lot. He has not decided; he may not be qualified (though couldn’t tell me in what). He has not bothered calling anyone else in all the time that he’s been there, does not know when he might be headed home…

I sent him an email last night since I figured by then he’d decided. I felt it (he has conveniently not responded):
I know you’re going. And I know you’re frustrated that I’d thought we could eat together tonight when obviously we can’t. You told me your plan, and I thought I’d grab you as you swing through. So. I’m happy for you. This is a cool opportunity. Similar to your last job at [place] but hopefully better management. That doesn’t mean it’s exactly easy on me (I know, I’m constantly grouchy, right?). So just promise me a dinner before you go. Please. I won’t see you this weekend and by next weekend you might be gone. So, in the midst of packing, can you spare one night and come see me? You’ve barely spoken to me in all of this.

Now I continue the waiting game. It’s never been more frustrating. I would be happier for him if he was clear with me. That’s not BS – I am. It just isn’t clear to me that he understands this move affects me, too, affects our relationship. He isn’t good at expressing emotions. I know that. But the more he acts like this, the more he doesn’t appear to care, the more I start believing it. Because it does affect us. I see him far less, we can’t eat dinner together, he’ll probably buy a house ’cause he’s obsessed with that but has never paid mortgage or rent, he’s taking a big salary cut, I have no idea how often we’ll be able to see each other, we’ll never go dancing. Suddenly moving from 1-hour distance to legit long-distance is not exactly the way I saw this relationship going. So, life throws us tomatoes. And the one stable thing, him, in the past couple years, is suddenly being ripped from under my feet. After a year and seven months, I think I deserve to be kept in the loop on this. Now I feel like a jerk for yelling at him and waking him up from his nap to deal with his migraine. So, I guess I’m just a perpetual jerk. No, he calls me grouchy, or cranky. That’s what he said Friday, when I tried to prod him about it. Because I knew this would happen. He’d go down, get an offer, and have to make up his mind, fast. I wanted him to think about it before he got there, about the change, if it was worth it, if he liked the school. All he said was I was being cranky. Well, yes, there’s me, cranky again. Every other weekend. Or mopey. I wonder why he bothers sticking around, sometimes, if that’s what I’m like. Sorry, I actually care about you. I love you, though it was a bit of a nightmare to say it. If that counts.
Don’t even get me started on “you’re just being a girl” because my feminist will come out and bite. That’s BS.

 

EDIT: 11:38pm

Don’t get me wrong. I know how hard a decision this must be for him, too. Give up your relatively stable world for a job? Or finally have a job, with benefits? You know, it’s funny. You never realize how important benefits are until you get a job with one, or suddenly don’t have them. When you’re a kid, you never realize that all those doctor’s visits cost a lot of money, and that one of your parents/caretakers has to work, hard, to make sure they don’t cost too much to your family. That you can get that icky prescription to cure your constantly upset tummy without breaking the bank. I recognize the situation my boyfriend is in. I’ve had overwhelming support on this subject so far. Nearly 50 hits – the most at any time – on this post alone since I published it. I don’t post that often anymore. Within hours, I received texts, emails, and messages from people I haven’t talked to in ages, or ones I talked to yesterday. Full of love and support. What bothers me is this: my boyfriend and I, we’re in a partnership. And he isn’t letting me be his partner right now. I realize I’m biased but I’m also not a teenager. I understand. I want to always be there for him, but I can’t if he won’t let me. He’s there for me; I probably talk his ear off about insignificant details of my life, work, etc. If this is really how he handles big life “tomatoes,” I’m not sure this is right. Life is complicated, and hard. Chaos ensues. Compared to our potential life together, this is probably minor in the grand scheme of difficult scenarios. And if he’s going to dance around things like this, what point is my half in the relationship?

By the way, the definition of “relationship” is this: The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

I want him to be able to trust me, to talk to me. Only he can make this decision, but he can talk to me about it. Bounce ideas off. Talk his options through, what he’s feeling. Just to talk to someone. I wish he’d talk to someone. Because right now it’s not me. And if he doesn’t want it to be, all he has to do is say so. Tell me what he needs from me. That’s all. For now I guess I’ll just lay low.

I think I owe more money. I don’t think I should, since I’m paying for it with my own card. I have claims. I “may pay” some. I don’t understand. Send me a bill.

I actually have lots of claims. I’ve been to lots of doctor visits and had lots of various tests done (old doc seemed a rather big fan of blood tests). Do I suddenly owe money on them? The website (as many websites that we know involving money <ahem>SallieMae<ahem>) didn’t clarify things one bit.

Whatever. I’m sure if I owe money they’ll let me know in no uncertain terms. Right. Right? …

On the plus side, PT went really well today. Could be on the short road to recovery! Of course, I feel a little worse after he tried loosening me up, but hoping it will ease up with lots of stretching.

I actually thought awhile on whether to bother posting this, as it revolves around yours truly in every sense. But life, friends, has thrown me a mid-sized tomato and so, here it is.

For several weeks – almost months – I’ve increasingly developed more and more neck pain. I don’t recall anything in particular happening to me; perhaps I slept on it wrong or strained it somehow. For nearly a week, it’s been in fairly constant pain. Minus the few hours I’m able to sleep, since, if I’m just slightly too much to the right, I wake myself up with a severe pain on the right side of my neck. It’s now gotten to the point where the simple act of taking a step hurts: the pressure of stepping down shoots a jolt right up to my head. I’ve learned to walk lightly, slowly, carefully. But it doesn’t solve everything. Some think it’s stress-related, even though I haven’t a terrible amount of things to be stressed over – minus the fact that my neck hurts always. Some have joked it’s pre-stress: summer is my company’s crazy season, and now that I’ve been through one I know what to expect. But…I’ve been through one, and managed. Late nights, super-focus, dinners at the office or near it….but managed.

Then my throat started hurting. It began to hurt to swallow, and I had terrifying moments when I didn’t think an Advil would even make it down. I envisioned running downstairs, trying to call 911 – choking on a pill. Friends told me to calm down, chill out, remember that’s it’s just a scary symptom. You wouldn’t believe how real it feels, if that’s true. I have spent the past day drinking Throat Comfort Tea by Yogi, which I’ve used before. It’s definitely helped some. Once you get used to the weird taste (I’ve become a pretty regular black tea drinker, thanks to my boyfriend), it’s actually pretty good (psst: Thanks Dad! I wouldn’t have tried it if you hadn’t mentioned it!).

Well, why didn’t you see a doctor? A chiropractor?

Well, I thought it might go away. When I realized it was not, I did go to my doctor. He didn’t say a whole lot, ordered a thyroid blood test, and mentioned my tonsils looked a little red, and I might have some sort of infection. There are just so many. I mostly stared at him, because none of this really helps me. On the plus side, I got the results back and they are normal. On the downside, it took me out of work for an entire morning and bit of afternoon, after an hour-and-a-half wait in the waiting room. He also is mailing me a referral for a physical therapist, so now I have to find one of those.

Among other things, this plus the waiting time plus the fact I live an hour away now via public transportation, this has convinced me to find a new doctor who has fewer patients and is near my apartment (Mom will correct me, I’m sure. Is it less or fewer?). She cannot see me until next week. Another appointment, another couple hours sans-work. It’s not that I’m obsessed with my job (I think), but we all hold ourselves to very high standards, and are incredibly deadline-driven. A few hours off can mean a late night the night before.

In the meantime, I’ve bought a new pillow, which I now prop carefully on another pillow. With the right arrangement, I can have a little lift under my shoulders and much more under my neck. Unfortunately, this allows me to only sleep on my back, and I’m pretty much a sleep-on-her-side kinda gal. Believe me, I tried in fits and twitches last night. I don’t sleep well on my back, but if I sleep on my side my neck feels even worse in the morning. Or so I think; I haven’t made it more than several minutes on my side. One thing has led to another and my jaw, which has a frequent habit of getting crabby when I’m stressed, is painful, too. Actually, it feels as though it’s sticking out further, which does make talking slightly awkward. I’ve heard myself merge/stumblewordstogether without meaning to. Talk about embarrassing.

picture of the aromatherapy neck wrap I bought, as a polar bear

I have the polar bear one. (Thanks Amazon for the image)

I also bought a Dreamtime Endangered Species Pampering Polar Bear Neck Wrap (no joke). It was pretty much the only thing Whole Foods had and I don’t have a car.

The only mildly tricky things left are:

a) obviously figuring out what is wrong with me and fixing it

b) seeing if the new doctor agrees with my  (now) old one and if she’ll give me a referral also

c) seeing if the new doctor agrees with my (now) old doctor on a test I have an appointment for in a few weeks, and what to do about it

I think it does have something to do with my chair-desk-monitor setup, both at home and at work, but not sure exactly what or how to fix it. This morning seemed like it was going to be a breakthrough: I was walking without much pain. But it didn’t last long; by 11am it was pretty much back. So…there is my life-thrown tomato for the moment. I can’t even begin to explain to you how awful it is to be in pain most of the time and even when doing things like walking around. It’s pretty awful. Hoping to get it resolved soon.

<Sigh>