Does anyone else ever think about what it would be like if they were all in the same room? Or all found you at the same time? It’s a nightmare of mine. Boyfriends. Just-friends who wanted more. Certain crushes. That they all met, that they all started asking questions. You must be. She never told me about. Oh, I heard of you. That guy. And the memories are so close, too close, and you can imagine the conversation. Their voices, the way their body leans against the wall. I daydream. Can you daydream too much? And they find me. And it’s terrifying. Because you never wanted this. But look – there they all are. The has-beens, the what-ifs, the screw-yous. Acting like they know all about me, I can see it. I watch. But they don’t. They know pieces of me, pieces I gave to them.

Sometimes I have what I call day-mares. This isn’t quite one, though it comes close. It took me a long time to figure out what all the dark daymares meant – possibly a story for another time. I won’t figure these out, fully, for awhile.

swirlingThey find me. Because I was worried he would find me. So they all do. It’s why I changed my room code, senior year of college. Three years, nearly, of trusting him with it. It wasn’t the breakup that did it. It was the Tuesday at 8am, when he was outside my door. He didn’t go to my school. He had a lot of friends there. He should have been at his school. He should have been home. I only saw him because I jumped out that morning to sign up for studio space, before anyone else could. I threw on enough clothes to cover with a long winter jacket, and came back to the dorm to properly get ready before meeting a friend for breakfast. He never entered, nothing. But it was a Tuesday. At 8am. And I got scared. He was a nice guy, a good guy. But it was the line. A week or two later I asked my parents if it was okay to charge the extra $100 to have my room code changed. Very few people know that. Know why. He doesn’t even know the truth. When he did find out I’d changed it – that some part of me didn’t trust him – he was pretty angry.

I was glad I had it changed.

Maybe that’s why. Why they all wind up finding me, in these daydreams. Or maybe it’s normal. I don’t know. I’ve only ever been in two relationships. But after each one, after the initial fall-apart, there’s this amazing feeling of freedom. Gradually, I learn to smile with a new memory and not an old. I randomly fall for someone new, or many someones new. And I’m transported to high school, remembering how fun it can be. Eye-candy, crushes, all of it. More daydreams. There’s a certain power in that. All of it, mine. To do with as I please. People can surprise you. More fun is when you surprise yourself.

The strongest friendships prove themselves during this time, right now.

I tend to be the “group photographer.” If you’re one, you know. Always playing catch-up, pausing an extra few moments to get the shot just right. Running to meet them halfway up the block. Zipping into and out of conversations. Most of you is there, but a part of you isn’t. There’s this part of you that’s soaking all of this in, not involved in discussions, just being. Just all of you, being. And so you hang behind, because this is them. These people, they’re yours. So you wait for the right moment. Catch a city shot or a scenic shot while you wait, eyeing their backs, arms slung around each other. And when it’s right, you call out: Guys! Turn around! Aw, come on! And they do, and roll their eyes (you do this a lot, in addition to playing catch-up). And smile. And it’s beautiful. This, right here, is the happiest moment. Years later, it still will be. You don’t even need to be in the picture, because you already know. Those people, in the picture, they’re smiling at you. They are happy, you are happy. Together. Whether you’re physically shown with them or not, you’re there. And those are the best pictures. Those are beautiful.


Monday, Monday on the train
People tweeting, texting “hey”
Calls for pickups, lost the signal –
Concepts of underground and concrete
Go unnoticed; something’s wrong.

The rest of us, staring, staring
At the grey monotone passing by
The rest of us, trying, trying
Not to nap through our stop
With the swaying, swaying
Of the train.

Hey friends,

Sorry I’ve been on a bit of a wordpress hiatus. There has been a LOT going on, and is still a lot going on, so I’m playing a bit of catchup.

Peru was more incredible than I could have imagined. It was beautiful, full of life, and I hiked/traveled with a great group of people. Pictures if you have not seen them are up here on Picasa.

(I had a…hard time picking ones to cut, so there are a lot there).

After Peru was essentially Thanksgiving, which was when I decided not to finish NaNoWriMo on time. Thanksgiving at home, as a result, was lovely. I saw almost everyone I wanted to see, some more who I didn’t expect to see, and got to play Fairy Godmother to my precious niece, which felt like the biggest honor in the world.

Then, back to work and studying. Wait, studying, you say?

Yes, I am learning all about network security for a new certification I need to get. Most people take the exam after 2 years of experience. Can you guess how many I’ve had?

So, that is busy and intense, and is taking a lot of willpower to focus on.

Also, I am actually trying to finish my novel. Somewhere in the back of my mind.

I’ve been planning on creating a fabulous photo album (to print) for my adventures in Peru, which involves scanning ticket stubs in and actually designing the book. That is also buried, somewhere in the back of my mind.

Anyway, hoping to get a little more regular soon, but for now I have some serious focusing to do.

Well, I’m back from Peru and staring at my handy little chart from NaNoWriMo, rather annoyingly pointing out I won’t finish the 50k until December 28. You are wrong! I will do this! Somehow. I kept up my “vacation” for a few days after I got back, focusing on work, and seeing the boyfriend, and Lincoln (great, great movie, by the way), and chilling out. Today, I hosted another write-in, and managed to knock out 3,000 words – there is hope. If I can do that every day until

November 30, I may be able to do this. It took two hours of focus. And I’m well enough into my novel now that I need to actually move it along. I passed 16,000 tonight, and my characters need to have a little chat and get their confused and merry little butts to Nepal and Mount Everest. It’s time to get them on their way.

Today’s graph

So, we’ll see. I will be home for several days over Thanksgiving, and hope to curl up by the woodstove and do some serious catching up.

At some point during that time I’ll prep my photos and notes for you all, to get a peek at the utter beauty of Peru and the Andes, and, of course, Machu Picchu. In the meantime, happy turkey day. Live. Laugh. Love.

I was a rockstar on my wordcount until yesterday. Day 3. So soon! But, yesterday involved a lot of driving (I can’t read in the car, so I doubt I can write in the car) and errands. I caught up some throughout the day, a hundred words here, a hundred words there. But still behind. It’s okay. That’s what Sundays are for! Today, we will do more errands (for me, this time, for my big trip coming up!) to REI and BJ’s. And then I will write write write!

Now it is Day 4. The program I use, which I can sync across my computer and iPad, is giving me different word counts across both. My computer version is giving me more words. My iPad is not. We will have to see who wins out on November 30, though I will likely try copying it all into Word and seeing what that gives me. Every program is a little bit different; the algorithms are not all the same. I’ll take the larger number for now! So, I am at: 4,175. But, on Day 4, I need to be at: 6,668. So I’ve got some catching up to do, and then hopefully speed on past that. Because I’ll be out of the country for a week, and need to do this!

That’s all. Little little update. But I’m still doing this. I’m still hanging in there.

It is amazing how giddy writing the first few hundred words can make you feel. All of my worries, time constraints, they all just went away in those initial 30 minutes of writing. I stayed up until midnight, excited to just start, right at November 1. And hey, I got 603 words in! I am putting the editor away, and just going. I’ve added 3 new minor characters and had a whole conversation between Martha and her displeased boss over the Oxford comma. Okay, so it’s not a bestseller intro (can you tell my whole life involves writing?) but it is a start! Because you have to start somewhere!

I just have to keep in mind that to actually keep up amidst all my commitments and travels, I need to aim for more than the “average” daily needs.

But I’m pumped, it’s nearly 1am, and if my strange but exciting plans to wake up early and pick up the novel tomorrow morning in some coffee shop before work, I’d better get to bed.

I’m writing a novel!

And I’m so not ready for it. All that time I had, to plan more, and write down ideas, and develop a detailed outline? Nope. Nada. And now, I have 2.5 days left until it’s racetime. What, exactly, does racetime entail?

Well, for the next few days I’ll be possibly out of power and dealing with Hurricane Sandy. After that, big projects at the office are in the works. The following week sometime, I prepare for, pack for, and leave for Peru. I’ll be there, without any electronics at all, for about 8 days. When I get back, and wake up from the hours of jetlag and sleep I’ve missed, I finish one of the work projects, then have a few days here, before flying home to my parents’ for Thanksgiving and family festivities. And that, friends, wraps up my November. Oh, also, I’m supposed to write a novel – 50,000 words.

I’ve even planned “write-ins” for people in my area, at a local mall. We’ll spend 2 solid hours together, at fairly random dates, just focused on writing. Twitter will become my friend for word sprints.

But in actuality, even though I did it and won last year, I have no idea how I’m going to pull it off this year. But, I’ve got to try. And besides, one of my NaNoWriMo buds reminded me that any word count can be a victory, even if it’s not an official “win.” Well, let’s go, Hidden in Nepal. Let’s do this.

uhh..no but actually:

« Previous PageNext Page »