Unsmiling faceI’ve basically moved past the stupid reasons he gave, the not wanting to bother attitude, the screw-your-dreams. What gets me the most is what he left me with: a lessened capacity for emotion. I’m not as good at feeling, even at kindness, as I was when I met him. And it’s hard not to get frustrated with myself for letting that happen. For not seeing so clearly how that could not work, not for me. For thinking, sure, I could get used to this, this never hearing I love you. Or much of anything, really. Besides hmmm and okay. But I got used to it for long enough that I started feeling more apathy than empathy. I’m not that person. That’s what gets me. That because of him, I’m less. I have to relearn how to love, to laugh, to take a moment to digest something before rattling off some too-logical answer. Too unfeeling.

I’m not that. I’m not. So where does that leave me? The one part of him I could never justify has attached itself to me. Me. How did this all get so twisted? I’ve become the worst part of him. And I hate it.

Sometimes I selfishly want him to come around, to want to talk, to say oops, I made a mistake. Just to tell him he is never ever getting me back. That there are things you can’t come back from. To hear him be surprised and mad I won’t talk to him. Because he made it so very clear he wanted nothing to do with me when he left. To explicitly not tell him about my AT plans for next year. There’s also this devilish part of me that hopes he’s taking a class of students camping the night I walk up to a shelter with my thru-hike pack on, and I get to tell them about my experiences, my big adventure, what it’s like, and not acknowledge we ever had anything together. To have that knowing look in my eyes as I walk past: no, I never told you, and yes, yes, yes, I can still do amazing things, without you. You would have told me how to do all of this, but this is me, without a WFR or a Master’s in Outdoor Ed, and I am doing it. And leave early the next morning, on my way. I am on my way.

PS. It occurs to me that with an uptick in traffic for my AT adventure, some followers/fans may want less personal and more AT/hiking/planning. So I’ve created a new and spiffy blog here which I will slowly work to update with my AT posts here and continue AT stuff there. thruhikeat2014.wordpress.com .

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