My boyfriend is moving to North Carolina. At least, it feels 99% certain. Not that I’d really know, he’s barely communicated with me about it. It’s only 9 hours away but I can’t be bothered to be kept informed. I am so frustrated, hurt, angry. It’s not even the job – he hasn’t had any other offers so this would make the most sense. He liked the position and the area (I think?). I’d be happy for him, too. He also has not heard back from other organizations, so I recommended that he call them and say “I have this offer, I need to know what your decision is.” Right? Isn’t that standard? To which his only response was, “No, I haven’t called. That doesn’t matter. They don’t give a shit about me.”

Well if they’re still having trouble making up their mind, they must care a little.

Let me break down the timeline:
He IMed me on Thursday, saying “oh, wow. I just got a call for an interview in North Carolina.” For one – please call me with something like that. It is a big deal. For another, that was pretty much all I got. No description, no interest level, nothing. So, he drives down Sunday night, stays over, interviews at 11am, does not call me all day (yeah, I’m more than a little curious), and when I finally call him at 9 at night, he tells me a bit about it, how then they had car trouble so they’re just sitting down to eat….

Fine. Later. I figured he’d head back up the next day, as that’s what he’d talked about. So, I called him from my place midday, since I managed to work at home, and suggested he swing by for dinner on his way up, since I wouldn’t be at the office. That conversation also did not go well – he was still in NC, working on some papers (because he finally had Internet? Which he doesn’t have at home?). So…no go. Nothing else all day. Not a peep. Finally late this afternoon I got another IM: migraine, still in NC, gonna go sleep. I was in a meeting so didn’t even see it until after he signed off. Well, by now it’s Wednesday, over 2 days since the interview and he has not told me whether he’s accepted or not. Whether he’s moving his whole life down there. So I called when I got home, woke him up (oops) and didn’t get a whole lot. He has not decided; he may not be qualified (though couldn’t tell me in what). He has not bothered calling anyone else in all the time that he’s been there, does not know when he might be headed home…

I sent him an email last night since I figured by then he’d decided. I felt it (he has conveniently not responded):
I know you’re going. And I know you’re frustrated that I’d thought we could eat together tonight when obviously we can’t. You told me your plan, and I thought I’d grab you as you swing through. So. I’m happy for you. This is a cool opportunity. Similar to your last job at [place] but hopefully better management. That doesn’t mean it’s exactly easy on me (I know, I’m constantly grouchy, right?). So just promise me a dinner before you go. Please. I won’t see you this weekend and by next weekend you might be gone. So, in the midst of packing, can you spare one night and come see me? You’ve barely spoken to me in all of this.

Now I continue the waiting game. It’s never been more frustrating. I would be happier for him if he was clear with me. That’s not BS – I am. It just isn’t clear to me that he understands this move affects me, too, affects our relationship. He isn’t good at expressing emotions. I know that. But the more he acts like this, the more he doesn’t appear to care, the more I start believing it. Because it does affect us. I see him far less, we can’t eat dinner together, he’ll probably buy a house ’cause he’s obsessed with that but has never paid mortgage or rent, he’s taking a big salary cut, I have no idea how often we’ll be able to see each other, we’ll never go dancing. Suddenly moving from 1-hour distance to legit long-distance is not exactly the way I saw this relationship going. So, life throws us tomatoes. And the one stable thing, him, in the past couple years, is suddenly being ripped from under my feet. After a year and seven months, I think I deserve to be kept in the loop on this. Now I feel like a jerk for yelling at him and waking him up from his nap to deal with his migraine. So, I guess I’m just a perpetual jerk. No, he calls me grouchy, or cranky. That’s what he said Friday, when I tried to prod him about it. Because I knew this would happen. He’d go down, get an offer, and have to make up his mind, fast. I wanted him to think about it before he got there, about the change, if it was worth it, if he liked the school. All he said was I was being cranky. Well, yes, there’s me, cranky again. Every other weekend. Or mopey. I wonder why he bothers sticking around, sometimes, if that’s what I’m like. Sorry, I actually care about you. I love you, though it was a bit of a nightmare to say it. If that counts.
Don’t even get me started on “you’re just being a girl” because my feminist will come out and bite. That’s BS.

 

EDIT: 11:38pm

Don’t get me wrong. I know how hard a decision this must be for him, too. Give up your relatively stable world for a job? Or finally have a job, with benefits? You know, it’s funny. You never realize how important benefits are until you get a job with one, or suddenly don’t have them. When you’re a kid, you never realize that all those doctor’s visits cost a lot of money, and that one of your parents/caretakers has to work, hard, to make sure they don’t cost too much to your family. That you can get that icky prescription to cure your constantly upset tummy without breaking the bank. I recognize the situation my boyfriend is in. I’ve had overwhelming support on this subject so far. Nearly 50 hits – the most at any time – on this post alone since I published it. I don’t post that often anymore. Within hours, I received texts, emails, and messages from people I haven’t talked to in ages, or ones I talked to yesterday. Full of love and support. What bothers me is this: my boyfriend and I, we’re in a partnership. And he isn’t letting me be his partner right now. I realize I’m biased but I’m also not a teenager. I understand. I want to always be there for him, but I can’t if he won’t let me. He’s there for me; I probably talk his ear off about insignificant details of my life, work, etc. If this is really how he handles big life “tomatoes,” I’m not sure this is right. Life is complicated, and hard. Chaos ensues. Compared to our potential life together, this is probably minor in the grand scheme of difficult scenarios. And if he’s going to dance around things like this, what point is my half in the relationship?

By the way, the definition of “relationship” is this: The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

I want him to be able to trust me, to talk to me. Only he can make this decision, but he can talk to me about it. Bounce ideas off. Talk his options through, what he’s feeling. Just to talk to someone. I wish he’d talk to someone. Because right now it’s not me. And if he doesn’t want it to be, all he has to do is say so. Tell me what he needs from me. That’s all. For now I guess I’ll just lay low.

Advertisements